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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

It's Show Time!

Announcer's Voice: Hey Kids! Do you know what time it is?

Children Scream: It's DeLong Email Time!

Cue the Intro Music: "It's DeLong Email time! It's DeLong Email time!..." and so forth.

Fade to update in 5...4...3...2...

Hello there and welcome to my new blog! What is a blog anyway, you ask? Well, think of it as a spin off of my other websites. You know when the show "Friends" ended and then they started a spin off series called "Joey?" Yeah, like that. Except hopefully my blog won't be cancelled after the first couple of episodes.

On this blog you will find all my previous episodes including hard-to-find pilot email updates from the early years! Consider this your online box set of the DeLong Reports!

[Applause sign flashes]

Yes, we are sparing no expense now.

Now to the update part: You already know that we are back in England. If you didn't get that email, you can just scroll down and read it now ['ooooh' and 'ahhhhh' sound effect]. We'll cut to commercial while you do that.

[Fade to commercial in 3...2...1...]

In UK theatres this week the movie "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel Jackson is attracting many patrons looking for a good scare. Posters for this production are all over the place and yesterday I finally saw a preview for it. Not that I really needed to, I think that it is a pretty safe guess that the movie is going to be about snakes on a plane. Who came up with that title anyway? That question itself sounds like one of those bad lightbulb jokes - How many creative executives does it take to come up with the movie title, "Snakes on a Plane"? My guess is that that meeting happened right before or right after a long weekend.

Anyway, the nutshell of the preview was this: It started with some snakes on a plane (surprize) and it ended with Samuel Jackson wildly firing his machine gun inside of coach. Now, I am by no means educated or experienced in the mysteries of aerodynamical engineering (heck, I don't even know what to call it), but I've been on a lot of air planes and I think that I can state with confidence that unloading a machine gun inside of a plane is a really bad. Dare I say, possibly worse than snakes on a plane. How did he even get a machine gun on a plane nowadays anyway?

[Return from commercial]

I wonder if the person who came up with this movie had ever flown Air Canada? Come to think of it, wasn't there another movie about snakes on a plane? I think it was called, "Air Force One."

[CUT TO COMMERCIAL! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!]

Sorry about that. I did cross the line there. Of course, I didn't mean it, I just couldn't resist the joke!

I should really move on to actual events. I had an appointment yesterday with an endocrinologist. This was the third enstallment of a series of visits with them regarding my resent health problems. The doctors are concluding that I am having pituitary problems as a result of the radiation therapy I had 5 years ago. Anyway, the doctor gave me a prescription to try and help get me back to normal again. Poor guy, he has no idea what he is getting himself into...

Here's a funny thing about yesterday though: One of the doctor's names at the clinic was Toogood! So now when people ask me, "How was your appointment with the doctor?" I can say, "Oh, it wasn't too good." I saw some other doctor! HA HA! Get it? Of course you do.

No, I haven't started the medication yet. Why do you ask?

Alright then, I guess that's all the time we have for this episode. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next time!

God bless,
~Alycia DeLong

SEQUEL IDEAS FOR "SNAKES ON A PLANE"

- "Hippos on a Bus"

-"Mad Cows on a Boat"

-"Lions on a Bike"

- "Peanuts in a Cab" (which would be terrifying to people who are allergic to nuts, when you think about it)

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