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Sunday, August 20, 2006

Welcome to Loserville

Do you know how angels greet one another?

They wave and say, "Halo!"

Now you know why this entry is titled, "Welcome to Loserville." Lame jokes are a sad side effect of being a loser (yes, I did make that one up) that unfortunately do not only overshadow the sufferer of losernitis (medical word) but the people around them. Just ask Danny. He has suffered.

Anyway, by now you're probably like, "Where are you going with this? Why am I still reading this? Although, her pathetic one liners do make me look like Seinfeld."

This is where I'm taking you today. First Corinthians 1:26-27..."Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (NIV New International Version)

Now let's read it in the AWBTEV (Alycia's Warped but had a Brain Tumor Excuse Version)... "Think of what you were when you were called. Loser. Big letter 'L' on the forehead. Klutzy, insurance nightmare. Bad jokes are invented by you and blonde jokes invented for you. A bit of an embarrassment to be around, even by your loved ones. You wear sweater vests to prom. Big L - little oser. Loser. And you're just what God wants and loves in a person."

You know, I often ask myself why I am a Christian. I mean, I've always felt like kind of a loser. In fact today, as I was listening to a song about a young woman reflecting on her tumultuous teen years, my mind drifted back as well to evens in the history of my own loserness...

(Insert sound of chimes here to signify dream sequence)

When I started high school, every girl had a crush on the school council president. His name was, let's say George Finkleman (of course it wasn't that. That is a loser name. But I don't want to say his real name because with my email subscription being at an all time high, with my luck his Aunt in Toronto or something will get this call him right away and I will be totally mortified. George, if you're reading this, sorry about the loser name comment). Anyway, George was a real dreamboat. Charming, funny, kind, sincere, and as for looks - well! Let's just say he put the 'body' in 'student body.' No! I got a better one! He put the 'stud' in 'student!' Ha ha ha ha...

Loser Fact #17- Loser's always laugh at their own lame jokes for a ridiculously long time.

...ha ha ha ha! Yeah, that was a good one. Okay, so of course I was not spared from the ga-ga's whenever he walked past me in the hallway. Alas, he was in a distant senior land while I was but a lowly freshman.

One time we happened to be at the very same party at the same time. Was it fate? Or was it just a school dance? Anyway, a big group of us were line dancing to some country songs (a shame I do not speak of often) and out of the music and the mist (fog machine) came Ke--I mean George Finkleman. And he was heading straight for ME! He smiled and leaned close and told me that I was a really good dancer! GASP! I couldn't believe it! What if he asked me to dance? What would I do? What would I say? He leaned in again to speak. Was he going to ask me to dance???

Well, he sort of did ask me to dance, but with his girlfriend (she was from another school. Whatever. He apparently was too good to date someone from the very school he was the president of. Typical politician.) She really wanted to learn how to line dance. I spent the majority of the night teaching her moves to "My Achy Breaky Heart."

Loser.

(Back to me sitting in the kitchen listening to music.)

As I continued to listen to the young lady's voice and reminisce days gone passed, some of the song's lyrics were really speaking to me:

"You heard my complaints about my curfew at 10..."
- That sums up my teen years

"You saw when my room was a mess again..."
- And again and again

"You heard me when I swore..."
- I occasionally did have a bit of a potty mouth

"...that I'd never love again..."
-Oh, you weren't finished that line yet. I thought you meant, you know. You see I never
really had that "high school sweetheart" experience so I thought you were talking about...well, I mean I did have a couple of crushes. I guy asked me to dance once...almost... well, sort of...

Loser. Yep, this has shed a whole lotta light on the term "pre-destination."

To wrap this up, this is what I'm trying to say: I feel very privileged to be a loser. It's why God picked me.

And if you're feeling like a loser today, remember: You are. And God loves you for it.

Which makes you cool.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

It's Show Time!

Announcer's Voice: Hey Kids! Do you know what time it is?

Children Scream: It's DeLong Email Time!

Cue the Intro Music: "It's DeLong Email time! It's DeLong Email time!..." and so forth.

Fade to update in 5...4...3...2...

Hello there and welcome to my new blog! What is a blog anyway, you ask? Well, think of it as a spin off of my other websites. You know when the show "Friends" ended and then they started a spin off series called "Joey?" Yeah, like that. Except hopefully my blog won't be cancelled after the first couple of episodes.

On this blog you will find all my previous episodes including hard-to-find pilot email updates from the early years! Consider this your online box set of the DeLong Reports!

[Applause sign flashes]

Yes, we are sparing no expense now.

Now to the update part: You already know that we are back in England. If you didn't get that email, you can just scroll down and read it now ['ooooh' and 'ahhhhh' sound effect]. We'll cut to commercial while you do that.

[Fade to commercial in 3...2...1...]

In UK theatres this week the movie "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel Jackson is attracting many patrons looking for a good scare. Posters for this production are all over the place and yesterday I finally saw a preview for it. Not that I really needed to, I think that it is a pretty safe guess that the movie is going to be about snakes on a plane. Who came up with that title anyway? That question itself sounds like one of those bad lightbulb jokes - How many creative executives does it take to come up with the movie title, "Snakes on a Plane"? My guess is that that meeting happened right before or right after a long weekend.

Anyway, the nutshell of the preview was this: It started with some snakes on a plane (surprize) and it ended with Samuel Jackson wildly firing his machine gun inside of coach. Now, I am by no means educated or experienced in the mysteries of aerodynamical engineering (heck, I don't even know what to call it), but I've been on a lot of air planes and I think that I can state with confidence that unloading a machine gun inside of a plane is a really bad. Dare I say, possibly worse than snakes on a plane. How did he even get a machine gun on a plane nowadays anyway?

[Return from commercial]

I wonder if the person who came up with this movie had ever flown Air Canada? Come to think of it, wasn't there another movie about snakes on a plane? I think it was called, "Air Force One."

[CUT TO COMMERCIAL! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!]

Sorry about that. I did cross the line there. Of course, I didn't mean it, I just couldn't resist the joke!

I should really move on to actual events. I had an appointment yesterday with an endocrinologist. This was the third enstallment of a series of visits with them regarding my resent health problems. The doctors are concluding that I am having pituitary problems as a result of the radiation therapy I had 5 years ago. Anyway, the doctor gave me a prescription to try and help get me back to normal again. Poor guy, he has no idea what he is getting himself into...

Here's a funny thing about yesterday though: One of the doctor's names at the clinic was Toogood! So now when people ask me, "How was your appointment with the doctor?" I can say, "Oh, it wasn't too good." I saw some other doctor! HA HA! Get it? Of course you do.

No, I haven't started the medication yet. Why do you ask?

Alright then, I guess that's all the time we have for this episode. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next time!

God bless,
~Alycia DeLong

SEQUEL IDEAS FOR "SNAKES ON A PLANE"

- "Hippos on a Bus"

-"Mad Cows on a Boat"

-"Lions on a Bike"

- "Peanuts in a Cab" (which would be terrifying to people who are allergic to nuts, when you think about it)